Gypsy

You may have wondered to yourself why I chose to name my blog "Modern Mormon Gypsy".  Even if you haven't, I'm about to explain it! 

Modern:  I like to think of myself as a modern woman (*gag*, I kind of hate saying that), doing my best to raise a healthy and happy family while maintaining some semblance of my own individual goals and aspirations.  I've come to terms with the reality that you can't "have it all" all at once without making some sacrifices.  This has been a difficult realization, one that I believe many women have experienced.  I've decided to take the "times and seasons" approach to my life. 

I think the Mormon part is obvious:  I'm a practicing Mormon and my faith informs many of my decisions and the lifestyle I choose to lead.  I decided not to leave this aspect out of my blogging because 1. it's just too large a part of my life and 2. there are a billion misconceptions about Mormons (some of them well-deserved) and I like to challenge those misconceptions, offer a safe place for non-Mormons to pose questions without feeling pressure, and show people we're just a little bit (not a lot bit) crazy. Okay, in my particular case I'm a lot bit crazy.  But that is for many other reasons beyond my faith.

Gypsy: I have serious wanderlust.  I blame most of this on inherited genes from my ancestors who couldn't seem to keep still.  I love traveling and living in different places.  The moves have not always been easy (turns out a large life change is one of my depression triggers!) but they have always been completely worth it.  I love a good adventure and can't help but wonder what new things I will discover in a new place.  There are just too many things to experience!  And, you know what?  I want to experience everything.

My means have not allowed me to backpack across Europe, go on safari in Africa or take a grand tour of the Orient (Wait a minute...can I say "orient"?  Is that racist?), but I have made my way up, down and across the U.S.  Luckily for me, this country is DIVERSE.  The world travel will happen for me, just not in this season of my life (Bucket List Goal #3 - Visit all 7 Continents).

Growing up, we moved a lot around the Phoenix area.  I attended 7 different elementary schools.  Once I was in junior high and high school, I did attend the same two schools for six years, but we lived in three different houses during that time.  It was hard, but I adapted to starting over and making new friends.  Staying in one place too long became boring.

The thought of attending college in Arizona after high school did not make me happy.  I viewed that time as an opportunity to experience a life I couldn't have in AZ.  I did seriously consider college in AZ, for financial reasons, but with the help of my uncle decided the only place I could go to school was the University of Washington in Seattle (GO HUSKIES!).  By some miracle, I was accepted and moved to Seattle in July of 2000, just over a month after I graduated high school.  And thus begins my state-hopping adventure. 

After one wedding (more to come on my 1st marriage in upcoming posts), multiple rain coats, and a bachelor's degree, I made my way back to Phoenix for four years.  In that time my first marriage came to an end, I became roomies with one of my favorite cousins in Tempe, reconnected with John after not speaking for five years and bought a house with my sister.  During this time I experienced many ups and downs of singledom, many of which are now quite funny.



Contrary to popular belief, Hawaii is much farther from the mainland U.S. and no where near Alaska.

John and I decided we needed to at least be in the same state to find out if our relationship was as serious as we thought.  There was so much agonizing over what to do until I was laid off and the choice was made for me.  My sister and I sold our home, I sold my car, gave away most of my belongings and moved to Honolulu.

After six months of draining my savings (Hawaii is a notoriously difficult place to find work for "mainlanders", beyond waiting tables), I decided it was time to pursue a master's degree.  John and I applied to five different schools in five very different parts of the country and decided to attend the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.  Oh, how I love Milwaukee!  It was there that we finally became engaged, married and pregnant with our first boy, S.  It was a busy two years.

Once we graduated, the job search began.  John took a position with a government contractor outside of Boston and we moved to New England.  We have loved living in Massachusetts; the combination of history, culture and natural beauty have made it a great fit for us.  Although, I will admit it is seriously lacking in cuisine beyond Italian food and seafood. 

And now, with Baby #3 on the way (debuting in July 2015!), we are at a crossroads once again for various reasons.  Our hope is that we will remain in New England but, truly, only Heavenly Father knows what our future holds.  There are days when I feel like I could spend the next 30 years here and others where the "itch" kicks in and I want to know what life would be like somewhere completely different. 

I don't know that I will ever feel completely settled. Certainly, our goal is to make life as stable for our children as possible, but I would certainly not object to selling everything we own and living in a Winnebago once we retire.  Nope, scratch that.  We're going to backpack across Europe, go on safari in Africa and take a grand tour of the Orient. 

Milestones

Yeah, I know, it's been a while.  I began with a "Look at me!  I'm starting a blog!" burst of energy, which clearly waned, but I'm back for now.  I may not have been writing (because I just don't have the time and/or energy most days), but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking or taking note of all kinds of things to write about.  I really need to carry around a journal to record my thoughts as they come to me.  Actually, I *need* an iPad, but that's a whole other story.

I recently returned from a trip to Phoenix where my youngest sister, Brandy, graduated from high school.  I can remember being in the hospital and holding her after she was born and now she has a high school diploma and nose piercings.  Ca-razy.



Siblings

It was blistering hot the whole time I was there, but it was fabulous to visit with a small group of family and friends.  If you're reading this and thinking, "Umm, I didn't see you while you were here!" consider this my formal apology.  I really tried to get around as much as I could.  However, I didn't have my own car, there are a lot of you and one of me and I was truly there to celebrate Brandy's graduation.  Love you!

John took the week off of work and stayed home with the boys.  We had originally wanted to go as a family, but that small issue of being able to afford it kept coming up.   This worked out great because, although I missed the boys terribly, it gave me a break and it gave John some precious time alone with his guys.  They went to the park every day, played cars, got dirty and I'm sure bathing was limited.  Of course, in true John fashion, when I returned home I was greeted with flowers, everything was immaculate and there was freshly baked banana bread on the stove.  You don't have to tell me how lucky I am (I was married once before, remember?).  John is constantly doing things like this without ever being asked.  We certainly have our differences and conflict, but it is truly minor compared to what it could be.  Despite that, I sometimes feel like a failure when he seems to "outshine" me.  This sounds incredibly petty and self-centered on my part.  It's not so much that we're in competition, because we're not, it's that being home with the boys full time is difficult for me most days.  I guess I just want to know that John has his parenting struggles too. 

The older the boys get, the more fun we have and the easier it has become for me.  I still have moments every day where I want to run screaming from the house, where I can't bare to change another poopy diaper (we had six SEVEN poopy diapers today alone), and I end the day completely wiped out.  To quote a good friend, having really little children is really, really hard.

And that brings me to a hypothesis I have formulated.  I do not believe this is an original thought nor may it be applicable to everyone, but it certainly describes my short 2 1/2 year stint in parenthood thus far.  Here it is:

A person will be subjected to the highest emotional highs and the lowest emotional lows throughout the parenthood experience. 

This is not to say that one cannot experience euphoria or despair outside of parenthood, because you certainly can.  I know I have in my own life.  But the frequency and the ease with which you experience this range of feelings within parenthood is unique.  This is why parenthood is so hard, but also so rewarding.

I believe my hypothesis is supported by statements found within the book, The God Who Weeps: How Mormonism Makes Sense of Life by Terryl and Fiona Givens.  Beautifully written (many passages read as prose), this book delves into some of the most basic and difficult questions humans have about God: Is there a God?  For what purpose did He create us?  Is He a harsh and cruel God, or kind and loving?  Does He deserve our love and adoration?  Do we, as humans, cause Him pain, or is He above suffering?

Among other things, Brother and Sister Givens come to the conclusion that "humans and their world do matter to God" and that, as His children, "His heart is set upon us".   God is not above suffering, nor can He avoid it.  They continue:

"God chooses to love us.  And if love means responsibility, sacrifice, vulnerability, then God's decision to love us is the most stupendously sublime moment in the history of time.  He chooses to love even at, necessarily at, the price of vulnerability...His freely made choice to inaugurate and sustain costly loving relationships is the very core of His divine identity."

Furthermore:

"...it turns out...that God is not exempt from emotional pain.  God's pain is as infinite as His love.  He weeps because He feels compassion.  As the Lord explains to Enoch, 'unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood...and misery shall be their doom; and the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?'  It is not their wickedness, but their 'misery,' not their disobedience, but their 'suffering,' that elicits the God of Heaven's tears." (Emphasis added.)

If God feels such infinite pain because of our misery, why then, would He have created us at all?  He created us and loves us because the joy He derives from our successes, our progress and our happiness exceeds all of the costs associated with loving us.  And this is parenting.  This is why I choose to be a parent: the love I feel for my boys and the immense happiness I feel simply because of their existence outweighs the difficulty, the pain and the heartache. 

As I type this, L is sitting in his high chair, eating pizza and making farting noises with his mouth, completely oblivious to anything else that is going on in the world.  His ability to make me laugh make all the poopy diapers totally worth it.

Here's L with puffed rice stuck to his face.  Classic L.