Yeah, I know, it's been a while. I began with a "Look at me! I'm starting a blog!" burst of energy, which clearly waned, but I'm back for now. I may not have been writing (because I just don't have the time and/or energy most days), but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking or taking note of all kinds of things to write about. I really need to carry around a journal to record my thoughts as they come to me. Actually, I *need* an iPad, but that's a whole other story.
I recently returned from a trip to Phoenix where my youngest sister, Brandy, graduated from high school. I can remember being in the hospital and holding her after she was born and now she has a high school diploma and nose piercings. Ca-razy.
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| Siblings |
It was blistering hot the whole time I was there, but it was fabulous to visit with a small group of family and friends. If you're reading this and thinking, "Umm, I didn't see you while you were here!" consider this my formal apology. I really tried to get around as much as I could. However, I didn't have my own car, there are a lot of you and one of me and I was truly there to celebrate Brandy's graduation. Love you!
John took the week off of work and stayed home with the boys. We had originally wanted to go as a family, but that small issue of being able to afford it kept coming up. This worked out great because, although I missed the boys terribly, it gave me a break and it gave John some precious time alone with his guys. They went to the park every day, played cars, got dirty and I'm sure bathing was limited. Of course, in true John fashion, when I returned home I was greeted with flowers, everything was immaculate and there was freshly baked banana bread on the stove. You don't have to tell me how lucky I am (I was married once before, remember?). John is constantly doing things like this without ever being asked. We certainly have our differences and conflict, but it is truly minor compared to what it could be. Despite that, I sometimes feel like a failure when he seems to "outshine" me. This sounds incredibly petty and self-centered on my part. It's not so much that we're in competition, because we're not, it's that being home with the boys full time is difficult for me most days. I guess I just want to know that John has his parenting struggles too.
The older the boys get, the more fun we have and the easier it has become for me. I still have moments every day where I want to run screaming from the house, where I can't bare to change another poopy diaper (we had
six SEVEN poopy diapers today alone), and I end the day completely wiped out. To quote a good friend, having really little children is really, really hard.
And that brings me to a hypothesis I have formulated. I do not believe this is an original thought nor may it be applicable to everyone, but it certainly describes my short 2 1/2 year stint in parenthood thus far. Here it is:
A person will be subjected to the highest emotional highs and the lowest emotional lows throughout the parenthood experience.
This is not to say that one cannot experience euphoria or despair outside of parenthood, because you certainly can. I know I have in my own life. But the frequency and the ease with which you experience this range of feelings within parenthood is unique. This is why parenthood is so hard, but also so rewarding.
I believe my hypothesis is supported by statements found within the book,
The God Who Weeps: How Mormonism Makes Sense of Life by Terryl and Fiona Givens. Beautifully written (many passages read as prose), this book delves into some of the most basic and difficult questions humans have about God: Is there a God? For what purpose did He create us? Is He a harsh and cruel God, or kind and loving? Does He deserve our love and adoration? Do we, as humans, cause Him pain, or is He above suffering?
Among other things, Brother and Sister Givens come to the conclusion that "humans and their world
do matter to God" and that, as His children, "His heart is set upon us". God is not above suffering, nor can He avoid it. They continue:
"God
chooses to love us. And if love means responsibility, sacrifice, vulnerability, then God's decision to love us is the most stupendously sublime moment in the history of time. He chooses to love even at, necessarily at, the price of vulnerability...His freely made choice to inaugurate and sustain costly loving relationships
is the very core of His divine identity."
Furthermore:
"...it turns out...that God is not exempt from emotional pain. God's pain is as infinite as His love. He weeps because He feels compassion. As the Lord explains to Enoch, 'unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood...and misery shall be their doom; and the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?' It is
not their wickedness,
but their 'misery,' not their disobedience, but their 'suffering,' that elicits the God of Heaven's tears." (Emphasis added.)
If God feels such infinite pain because of our misery, why then, would He have created us at all? He created us and loves us because the joy He derives from our successes, our progress and our happiness exceeds all of the costs associated with loving us. And this is parenting. This is why I choose to be a parent: the love I feel for my boys and the immense happiness I feel simply because of their existence outweighs the difficulty, the pain and the heartache.
As I type this, L is sitting in his high chair, eating pizza and making farting noises with his mouth, completely oblivious to anything else that is going on in the world. His ability to make me laugh make all the poopy diapers totally worth it.
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| Here's L with puffed rice stuck to his face. Classic L. |
